Unemployment is a very strange monster. You have all the time in the world, yet absolutely no money. You can finally do all the fun things you’ve dreamed of, but you have no way to pay for them. It’s a very, very sharp double-edged sword that you wield. And while most of my days these past two months have been filled with binging out on all the TV I missed this past year, I’ve also tried to carve out a little bit of space for creativity.

If I’m being honest with you, this hasn’t gone very well. Inspiration is also a strange monster that tends to come and go as it pleases. I haven’t quite been able to trap this monster long enough to create something of worth. And the more and more days that pass by without some sort of creative endeavor, the more and more I panic about whether or not I should have quit my job to pursue something so fleeting.

I know that this panic and anxiety comes from a place of fear. Fear that nothing I do or write or create will be ever be good enough and I’ll have spent my life slaving away at my computer and lost in the fantasy world that is my mind for nothing.

Rather than let this fear settle in completely, I’ve chosen to let it motivate me. And right now, that motivation looks like trying daily to write something–anything–and simultaneously studying what living a creative life looks like.

Around the time that I quit my job, I bought several books online regarding creativity and living the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of. I imagined that I would ravenously read them and one day talk about the stack of books that changed my life. Sometimes I truly slay myself with how much of a ridiculous dreamer I am! I didn’t get further than 10 pages into half of the books I bought before I threw them on the floor because they weren’t what I thought they would be. (And that’s a very accurate picture of what my life looks like, thinking & dreaming that things will be one way, only to be massively disappointed because reality is way harsher than my dreams, but that’s a different blog post entirely).

However, there was one diamond in the rough: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’m still in the thick of reading it and trying desperately hard not to underline every. single. sentence. because everything in this book speaks straight to my soul. The book is basically like taking a microscope to creativity and discovering the magic of it. (This is a very terrible summary, but I promise if you hold yourself to be a creative of any sort, this is a MUST READ).

While there are literally 1000+ little nuggets that have stood out to me in the short 100 pages that I have already read, the biggest thing that I am taking away from it right now is what she calls “Creative Entitlement.” I won’t belabor the point or take away your experience of reading this section for yourself, but her main point is that you can’t really begin to be a free creative unless you believe that you are entitled to create. You must believe that you are allowed to be here and take up space. And that simply by taking up space, you are entitled to create. It’s as simple as that.

WHOA. This is, like, so obvious and true, but it blew my mind. I’ve never doubted that my biggest passion in life is to create. It’s woven into my identity and will forever be a part of me. But it’s so hard for me to stand up, take up space and proclaim that I can and will create, no matter the outcome. I guess I’ve been waiting around for a permission slip or something that says, yes Alyssa, you are allowed to create.

And I guess that circles back around to fear. Each day that I wake up, I can feel the need to create pulsing inside of me, but most of the time before my feet hit the floor, fear has settled in and is telling me all the reasons that I am not allowed to create and showing me all the areas in which I fall short of being a true creative. Obviously this is no way to live.

So, I’m working on cultivating this creative arrogance inside of me so that fear no longer controls how and when I can create. And don’t worry, I’m not under any false impression that by reading this section in the book today that I’ll be free to create without my fears, insecurities and anxieties creeping in. I know they will always be there on the other side of the door, waiting to attack me. I’m just choosing to no longer be afraid of defending myself and taking up my rightful creative space, even if it will be a daily struggle.

If you’re reading this and your going “duh, Alyssa, I already knew all this, welcome to the party,” well then good for you and where can I get some of your self confidence? But if you’re like me and need daily affirmation, then I’ll leave you with a passage from Big Magic for moments when fear tells you to get back inside your dark, creative-less hole.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” your darkest interior voices will demand.

“It’s funny you should ask,” you can reply. “I’ll tell you who I am: I am a child of God, just like anyone else. I am a constituent of this universe. I have invisible spirit benefactors who believe in me, and who labor alongside me. The fact that I am here at all is evidence that I have the right to be here. I have a right to my own voice and a right to my own vision. I have a right to collaborate with creativity, because I myself  am a product and a consequence of Creation. I’m on a mission of artistic liberation, so let the girl go.”  – Gilbert, p. 96

I plan to let this girl go and see where my creativity takes me, because in the end I’m doing this for me.

xoxo,

Alyssa